Embracing Who I Am

I'm an introvert. I will come out and say it. I'm an introvert in a society of extroverts. I almost feel put down for being an introvert. I am perfectly comfortable being alone all day with my kids, cleaning the house, making meals, reading books... alone. The problem is... I've always put myself down for this.

It started when I was younger, way younger... About 6 or 7 years old. I was extremely, painfully shy. I couldn't order at a restaurant for myself without getting sick to my stomach. I would hide behind my mom's legs when an adult I didn't know came and said 'Hi' to me. I almost broke into tears I was so shy. My mom noticed this and put me in different activities to help with this. I was put into dance and gymnastics at a young age. I used to always joke, you can't be shy when you are on a 4 inch balance beam with a wedgie you can't pick (You will get marked down for that) in front of an audience of hundreds of people and four judges. These activities helped. I was able to travel lots of places and meet lots of good friends.

Onto high school, I was a cheerleader. I LOVED it! Most people think all cheerleaders are peppy, excited, wants to be in the spotlight all the time, extroverts who are always the life of the party.

Eh.

I had my moments.

I loved the group of girls I cheered with. I have so many wonderful memories! They were my comfort zone. I had no problem getting out and cheering in front of a crowd because I had all my good friends surrounding me. I learned to hide this shyness and introverted-ness. I began modelling my junior year of high school. Once I entered that, I realized I was in a dog-eat-dog world that wasn't for me. I booked clients here and there but I wasn't tough enough for the industry. I kept modelling until I was 20 and then pulled out all together. My contract was up and I didn't re-sign with my talent agency.

I pushed myself to be out there, in the crowd, trying to be talkative and open. It wasn't me and I know people saw through it.

To make it even worse, I have the relaxed face that looks like I am pissed at the world. It is called something not too nice (-W-itch face, but with a B). People perceive me as a snob, stuck-up, and witchy when they first meet me because I'm not the one to start a conversation and I have the lovely angry face when I'm not smiling.

I've pushed myself so hard to try to be an extrovert. The world tells me I should be. You need to be a go-getter! You need to be out with a group of friends every weekend doing wild things.... "Enjoying Life". If you don't, you aren't fully embracing life. I have come to the conclusion that is NOT me and I don't have to pretend anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE an invitation to do something fun with friends. I won't be the one to get that group or friends together. I love parties, get-togethers, BBQ's, church functions, etc. But I am not going to be the one going table to table striking up a conversation with everyone. I find it more enjoyable to sit at a table and watch those people, or have a one-on-one conversation with someone.

I love to be involved, but I like to be behind the scenes. I love cooking meals for youth group every week. It brings so much joy to me. But, it is really hard for me to get involved with the game they are playing that night. It makes me uncomfortable. I would always beat myself up afterward that I wasn't involved enough or stepped out of my comfort zone a little.

I don't pray out loud in crowds. I always felt horrible because I didn't. Then, I came to the conclusion that when I get to heaven God isn't going to meet me at the gates and say, "Yeah, so... you were going to come in, but you never prayed out loud in a group, so sorry...." and slam the door in my face.

I don't want to speak in front of crowds. I don't feel like I need to. That is Lyndon's job, he's the preacher (Wink, wink)

In all, I am learning to embrace who I am. I like to sit with my kids and read books. I like to crochet. I like to read novels. I like to sit outside in the mornings with a cup of coffee. I like to have good one-on-one conversations with people. I like evenings as a family. I like to talk to my husband while cuddling. I like to find random movies on Netflix and watch them in bed.

I shouldn't beat myself up because I am not always comfortable around large crowds. I am not going to hate myself for enjoying alone time. I'm not going to look down on myself because I'm not comfortable praying out loud in a crowd. I'm not going to hate myself because people think I am snobby because of my relaxed, serious, face.

I am going to embrace who I am and start enjoying life more.

I'm an introvert in an extrovert world.

And, I'm proud of it.