Cutting Me Deep! Momma Needs To Stop Yelling.

Horrible Momma Confession... I've been yelling at my kids, and I HATE it!

Before I had children, Lyndon and I talked about parenting, discipline, punishment, how to run the home day to day, etc. I knew for a fact I wanted to stay home with my kids. We had those more than hilarious "We will never" and "We will Always" moments... before kids. Before the messes, the exhaustion, the potty training, the sickness, the poopy diapers, the late nights, the screaming whining kids, the parenting...

Some funny things we said we would NEVER do.... feed our kids fast food. They would NEVER be able to ask for McDonalds or Burger King by name. That was a joke. Sometimes it is just easier to pull through the drive than spend 45 minutes making a meal with kids clinging to your leg.

Anyway, I always said I would NEVER yell at my kids. I would NEVER spank my kids. I would NEVER lose my temper, I would just walk away and come back after a deep breath. Aww, if only I knew then what I know now. Life hits you hard.

Life in our house has been crazy lately. We have had the flu bug come through, we all currently have colds, Alden is still in the potty training process, we went on a trip to Idaho for a week, Collyn is teething, we have church obligations, I'm trying to get ready for the holidays, I try to keep my house clean, there is a never-ending amount of dishes in my sink, there is always laundry to do, beds to make, diapers to change, meals to prepare, messes to clean up, kids to pull off the table because they are about to make a suicidal jump from the top of it, movies to put in the DVD player, the list goes on and on.

The kids are at the age of fighting now. I used to think it was so hard to have a newborn and a 19 month old in the house. And, it was. I was exhausted. Collyn was up 4-5 times a night to nurse and Alden would wake up at 6:30-7 AM every morning ready to play. Now, for the most part they sleep through the night... We cross our fingers and say a prayer each night that they do. They will play together so I can get more done, but now they have more demands. They can tell me when they are hungry, when one of them hit them, when they have to go potty, when their sippy cup is empty, you get the idea. I am running all day long. They don't nap at the same time, because Alden rarely takes naps anymore. It's just exhausting being a mom.

Today, I was at the end of it all. Collyn has been fussy and by fussy I mean throwing himself on the ground screaming for a good half hour at a time, multiple times a day. I try to pick him up and calm him down and it doesn't help, so I just let him do his thing. Although, the screaming gets to you. Then, Alden is asking for multiple things and nothing is making Collyn happy. Collyn likes to hit. It's a joy. He attempted to hit me a few times and I caught his hand before he could and told him, "No." He then hit Alden because he wanted the toy Alden was playing with. It was one thing after another. I was trying to clean the kitchen because it was a disaster because the boys crunched crackers all over the floor and then Collyn spilled his apple juice on top of it all.

I lost it. Collyn was screaming his little rant and I got down and screamed at him "STOP CRYING!!!!! STOP IT!!!!" I couldn't handle it any more. Then, it scared him so he started crying more. I knew it was the wrong step to take, but in the moment I couldn't help it. After that, everything made me mad. I was getting after the kids for things I would have ignored if I wasn't angry. I was raising my voice at them for about an hour. I was frustrated and exhausted.

I called Lyndon and asked him if he could take his lunch early. he came home and relieved me and I went through Burger King (Yep, we would NEVER feed our kids fast food) drove around for a few minutes and then came home to eat our lunch. Lyndon got Collyn down for his nap so I knew I had a good 2 hours to take a breather. Lyndon left and the day went on. I knew I had messed up as a parent and was feeling pretty down. I prayed that God would help me through this day in one piece.

Lyndon has been super busy lately. He is working hard at the church, has meetings in the evenings, and now he is doing a first-responder course for the fire department 2 evenings a week. I have 3-4 days a week now where I have no help until late at night.

I made dinner alone tonight with Collyn sitting on the counter coloring and Alden eating a banana. I made their plates up and we sat down to eat. They were both super hungry and ate everything on their plates. Alden asked for more. I gave him a big smile and said,

"ALDEN! I'm so proud of you that you ate so good!!! Momma loves seeing you eat! It makes me so happy!!!"

He looked me straight in the eye and said,

"Since I ate good, you will stop yelling? You won't be mad anymore?"

I walked away with his plate and burst into tears. My 2 year old understands. He saw me get angry. He saw my face when I yelled. He was scared of me. I'm supposed to be his protection. His Momma. I'm supposed to be the one that takes all the pain away and hugs him dearly. I'm supposed to be his friend, make him comfortable, make him happy, make him smile. And, I scared him.

I got down, bowed my head and wept on the kitchen floor. I prayed. I prayed God would help me not make this mistake again. That I would keep my temper down, keep my voice calm, talk softly to my children even when I'm angry. Speak softly to my kids in good and bad times. I prayed that I could be their rock and not a disaster of a mother.

I filled Alden's plate and brought it back to him. I got down to his level and told him that Momma wouldn't yell any more. I would work on it. I would try to not be angry anymore. And, I will. I have to for my babies. They need me. They need me to be strong, yet gentle. I want them to want to come to me in any situation, knowing I won't judge or get angry.

My 2 year old taught me a huge lesson today. And, I'm thankful he did.