Don't Cry Over Cold Pancakes

I have been doing really well after moving. I have been pretty proud of myself. Once things started settling down and I was back into a routine with the boys, different things started settling on my heart and I started realizing everything that I gave up for Lyndon to pursue his dream of being a full-time pastor.

Yesterday, was my breaking point and I had to apologize to Lyndon later in the day.

We may have been super busy when living in Weiser, but that is all we knew. Lyndon was working 2 jobs and I had the dance studio. We never saw each other. This is the reason we decided to take this job. More time together. And, we have seen each other more in this first month of living here than we have in years.

However, I had a business. I was "needed". I organized 90 dancers and tumblers, I had other dance instructors to manage, I organized kids at competition, scheduled performances, and did the books. With 2 kids under 2 and most of the time with a baby on my hip. I was proud of myself. I decided it was the best thing for our family for me to leave my dream of being a small business owner of a dance studio for the sake of my family. I was feeling good about my decision.

Now that things are quieter and settled and the "new" is slowly wearing off I feel like I have lost my identity. I am not sure who I am anymore. Growing up in a small town, I was always "John Stuart's daughter". It got me lots of things (Sorry to admit this dad). I would name drop and I was able to get things and get out of things. As time went on, living in the same small town and then starting a business I was able to say "I own The Next Step dance studio". I felt like I had an 'identity'. I was super busy with 2 kids and a business. When the kids napped I would do the books for the studio and print letters. I would schedule things for it. I felt like I was contributing to the family. I was bringing in (a very small) income for the family. We had some extra spending money. I was able to pay the doctors bills for the boys' pregnancies because of the studio. I felt needed.

Yesterday, it hit me. Why am I here? Other than supporting Lyndon (yeah, yeah.. I know. I'm supposed to be his biggest cheerleader, which I am, but I have goals in life too) why did I come to Willows, CA?? I felt like all I was doing is cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, changing diapers, disciplining, and just managing the home. it gets pretty monotonous.

Yesterday morning, I got up and made chocolate chip pancakes, fried eggs, and bacon. I had 2 kids clinging to my legs crying or they were fighting, or they were getting into something. Collyn is teething and both kids have a cold. They are both super cranky. By the time I was done cooking I was exhausted just playing referee. Lyndon was running late for work so he grabbed some bacon and said he was leaving. I asked him if could just sit for 5 minutes to eat breakfast with us or if he wanted pancakes for the way. With a little attitude he asked how he was supposed to travel with pancakes with syrup to work... then he would need a fork and it would be a mess. He then walked out the door. I broke down and cried. Who cries over cold pancakes???

I called him a little later and we talked about it. I told him to take the dang pancakes and throw them away if he doesn't want them. I know I may have overreacted about the whole thing but I am not sure where I belong right now other than cooking, cleaning, and babies. And, I am usually pretty proud of my cooking. I explained that it was almost like if he did a sermon and the one person he really relied on to give feedback and take it to heart told him he completely sucked. Lyndon is the one I rely on to give me feedback for what I do and when I am pretty vulnerable at the moment, it broke my heart to see him deny something that I put effort in

The moral of the story: I'm still finding myself here. I am still trying to see why I am supposed to be here. What is my purpose.